the mother gap

the long casted shadow of an insecure maternal connection

Can you think of a time when you felt held?

Was there a time when you were not alone in carrying the emotional weight that now sits on your shoulders, swirls in your stomach and flutters in your heart?

After hundreds of hours of intensive therapy work, this moment stood out in my healing journey. Not because of the question itself, but the calm, factual response I replied with at the time, and noticeable change in my therapist’s face as he received my answer. I knew we were about to go for a ride.

What was my answer?

"I remember feeling that we as children were accidents, that we had to find our wings as quickly as possible to remove the inconvenience from our parents lives - I never really felt like a gift, like I deserved to be heard, to explore, to fail, to occupy space. It was grow up and get out.” - therapy journal entry

I had fun times with my family. Fortunately they were there during some of my darkest days too.

Despite that, I was diagnosed with childhood attachment trauma.

That can be the confusing part for the members of family, or perhaps yourself reading this wondering whether it might apply to you.

If there were some smiles? If there were some hugs? Where is the trauma?

On a scale of clown to breakdown

The trauma is found in the space between clown and breakdown.

The clown can be thought of as the friend we like to have fun with. They always make us laugh but they won’t be there at 3am in the morning on a Wednesday to take us to hospital. They are on an adventure somewhere, without a phone battery, or a sense of shared responsibility.

Breakdown is the friend we go to when it all falls apart. The trusty friend that helps us after a break-up. They have seen you raw, you know you can almost indulge in the emotional depths of your feelings, they won’t judge, they will be there the next day with a smile, takeaway coffee and crossaint.

When bringing those two roles into maternal care, it can be confusing because one can say, ‘but didn’t we have fun the other day shopping’ or ‘but don’t you remember who was there for you when you were going through your tough time?’

Credit for times of presence, but debt? That’s unfair, and that toxic trap gets played over and over.

The debt is the guilt that instead of consistent experiments in emotional regulation, the condition of the connection is you have to accept sheer joy or support during crushing depression as the record track of your life (and love), rather than emotional balance.

Let me give an example.

Someone I met on my journey revealed they were subject to severe emotional abuse for decades. He and his siblings had made a temporary cut with their mother in order to try to rebuild themselves. Find other sources of mentors and life experience that may not be so toxic.

Problem was, he was hit with a multi-front attack on his foundations of safety just when he was getting back on track. Romantic relationship breakdown, lost job and rental contract expiry. A triple whammy.

He phoned me from his mothers house, he had gone back, and he was being made to pay for it - breakdown. All the work he had put in, small movements in the right direction were, in his mother’s eyes, completely invalidated because there he was again “in need of her” which resulted in the faulty equation of “so what you were saying before is invalidated by your presence now.”

In the choice of mum or none, we often choose mum.

Blame or targets for change?

At the heart of my embarrassing answer to my therapist’s question was the disempowering belief that children are a burden.

That is a subject that goes beyond the scope of this week’s newsletter, but it is important to recognise the emotional layers that sit beneath the value structure that framed almost every decision in my life.

At first, that is shame. How could that be the truth?

Then comes the anger. How could they treat me like that?

Then comes the sadness. Is it because I am not worthy of love?

You are worthy of love, you don’t deserve to be treated like that, and we will practice self-compassion to dilute the shame that shrouds our ability to sit in the truth of our experience.

The closer we sit to our truth, the better able we are to promote change.

Because we are not looking back in anger (thanks Oasis), we are looking for targets of change, and this is a biggie.

It provides three obvious ones:

1. Understanding how we got to this place of anxiety, burnout, depression etc

2. Understanding how we can learn to show up for ourselves to heal the parts of us that were left behind

3. Understanding how we can break the cycle to build relationships that do not mirror this faulty form of attachment (be it with our kids or our inner circle).

Taking a granular approach to an attachment allows us to pursue that.

A sacred connection

Often within the first few sessions of therapy, an audit of the maternal connection is commenced, we are asked questions such as:

• What’s your relationship like with your mother?

• What’s your earliest memory of e.g. anxiety and how did your mother react?

• What was your mother’s relationship like with your ____ (insert father, sibling)

The mother has a sacred connection with her child, past the fact that she is the miracle that bakes the human cake, she also maintains a critical line of communication unavailable to anyone else.

During breast feeding for example her baby engages in a two way information transfer called ‘backwash.’ If there is an imbalance, cortisol for example will be read as a dialog of inflammation and without a conscious thought, her milk composition will change to treat the aired concerns. Powerful physiology.

Zooming out, up until 500,000 years ago her partner wasn’t even on the scene to help with caregiving. It was her female kin in the shape of sisters, aunties and elders that were responsible for the infants survival.

Dad at that time just played the genetic odds. Rising up the social hierarchy he had access to the best mates, and played the probabilities that his blood line would continue even without his active involvement.

So what changed?

One word: brain.

Our brain sizes accelerated to such a weight and circumference with Homo Heidelbergensis, that the ability to pass through the birth canal was becoming questionable. The positive trait selection of intelligence, that gives us today the Sistine Chapel and man on the moon, was not a guarantee and came with friction.

Darwin met this threat by bringing bubs out 3 months early. Barely more than a bag of milk, but better weak than not at all. In this moment, fatherhood had enough incentive to rise to non-negotiable as the silverback equivalent of our tribes was forced to concentrate on fewer offspring whilst they were exposed to the dangers of the outside world, objectively before being ready to do so.

Crazy to think a giraffe runs after a couple of hours when it can take 18 months for us.

The respect for this early exit is still evident in traditional societies today with the celebration of the Fourth Trimester as we in the west would call it.

I’ll never forget looking for a fuel fill up in Bali and being confronted with a mother, new born baby on her hip, and seemingly octupus level pouring expertise. It’s common to have a little stand of petrol outside of a home or small business in a village there, as you can see below from earlier this year.

I asked for a one bottle of gasoline, and the new mother refused all attempts for me to fill up myself or even hold her baby.

Back at the homestay, I told the story to the local family hosting me and they said laughing, “Yes the baby can not touch the ground Jason.”

I said, “What? For how long? Why?”

“3 months, the baby is very weak, mothers must keep close for 3 months.” They replied.

It was then I was introduced to, and since participated in, the Nelu Bulanin ceremony which is a huge celebration to confirm the three month milestone since birth.

Frederick’s failed experiments

Mum incubates baby, mum has secret spy line of communication with baby, mum has important three month window with baby, what then?

Let’s take a dive into some (at times troubling) evidence of the importance of ‘mothering’ in the first year of a babies life.

Orphanage survival rates in the early 20th century were nothing short of shocking. The death rate was nearly 100% for infants, and the one’s that did survive? They seemed to have been buffeted only by short interactions with foster parents or relatives.

Frustrated at this seemingly inhumane statistic, Dr Fritz Talbot sought to investigate. While on a visit to a children’s clinic in Dusseldorf, Germany a lady carrying a baby on her hip (sound familiar?) piqued his interest. That lady was “Old Anna’ who was given the babies they lost hope for and she seemed to be “always successful“ in returning them to wellness.

Did Old Anna have special powers, or was she simply more intune with her embedded instincts? Not taking anything away from her, but it turns out she was able to be replicated by introducing ‘mothering’ to the care of isolated children. Infant mortality rates in one hospital (as opposed to orphanage) reduced from 30% to 10% using the magic of Old Anna.

It is a shame that we humans suffer from this ‘human amnesia’ in the words of Stephen Jenkinson. That those before us have many answers we seemed to have not been able to hold on to.

Almost a thousand years ago, the Emperor of Germany Frederick II enjoyed practical experiments to test his theories. Some more brutal than others. In one case he wanted to see what language children would speak if they were fed, but otherwise left alone to not be influenced by the language around them. Would it be Hebrew? Greek? Latin or would it be German?

Unfortunately he didn’t get an answer because all the babies died from not being ‘mothered.’ Or in the words of Franciscan Friar Salimbene di Adam, “They could not live without the petting.”

Hand’s off, hand’s on?

Speeding past our vulnerable first year, some surprising facts emerge about the desire for teenagers to receive the social buffering of their parents (even if they pretend they don’t want it).

When completing a task with either a parent or a friend, cortisol (the stress hormone) levels peaked much higher with the friends assistance.

Interestingly the desire for connection is even stronger with teenage boys. Completing a task with a friend led to a massive drop in oxytocin (the bonding hormone), whilst it provided an increase with a parent. The different levels post activity between parent and peer is quite pronounced.

Turns out justling for social positioning is stressful, isolating and exhaustive. We crave the ‘we’ instead of ‘me’ against the world just as much during those confusing years of growing up, as we do when we can’t add 2+2. And our kin > than our friends.

The long casted shadow of an insecure maternal connection

If you’ve got this far, perhaps there are a few lines of thought being activated. Ok long history of the very important role of a mother. Ok she has a secret service line of communication with baby. Ok just the physical contact between her and her baby is life or death. Ok teenagers hormonally crave parental guidance, even if their words say otherwise.

But what is the consequences of this, and why would this lead to for example, us experiencing hyper-vigilance, burnout, dissociation, depression et al today? What is the faulty script we are operating on?

Let’s look at a few examples.

A mother’s aggression

There is a correlation between the level of aggression from a mother, and brain changes in her child, in this example boys.

That brain change then had a flow on effect, predicting the completion rates of high school. I.e. maternal aggression = brain irregularities = academic non-completion

Mother’s sensitivity (I)

There is a correlation between the level of maternal sensitivity and whether a child internalises or externalises their problems.

If mum is sensitive, kids are more likely to share what (relative to their life experience) is troubling them. If not, they keep it to themselves.

This state of self-silencing, can often turn into a trait as we are conditioned into believing that is the way we receive love (attach).

Women who self-silence in relationships were four times more likely to die over the next 10 years than those who felt they could express their feelings. i.e. maternal insensitivity = self-silence = higher all cause mortality rates

Mother’s sensitivity (II)

A mother’s sensitivity to her child at age 3 is significantly correlated with severity of ADHD symptoms at age 8. Mum more sensitive, less symptoms. More less sensitive, more ADHD symptoms.

Given this project has it’s rally cry around hyper-vigilance, let’s look into the comorbidity of ADHD. In one study the researchers found it appropriate to state that “comorbidity is the rule rather than the exception” for adult ADHD suffers. With 47% of those diagnosed with ADHD also diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.

Are we seeing the connection?

What does emotionally mature maternal care look like?

It is all well and good to point at insecure, insensitive and aggressive parenting. If you were subject to that, you are well aware of what that feels like. But what is on the other side of that? How can we learn to show up for ourselves today?

The Forum

We test with the trivial before the tough. It is not common to simply bubble up our disturbances, without first dipping our toe into the pool of capacity and skillset. If our minor concerns are dismissed, we will assume that the receipents are found wanting for anything of greater substance.

When those ‘bubbbling up’ experiences do happen after extended periods of suppression, they are often looked at as inappropriate responses to non-commensurate stimuli. But it wasn’t meant to be valued, like for like, it was meant to be seen as, if you hold on this long, one piece of straw will end up breaking the camels back.

The most readily available ‘forum’ for frequent discussions to take place is the dinner table. Studies show that eating together 3 to 4 times per week is correlated with lower rates of obesity, substance abuse, teen pregnancy and depression.

Naturally it is not the food doing this. It is being able to spontaneously relieve ourselves from some of our concerns, just airing the dirty laundry goes a long way to cleaning it. “These people still accept me, even though…” continues to add layers on our armour that we, our thoughts, feelings and bad behaviour at times - will not be too much, it will not violate our connection, and we can always return to our tribe for help.

A novel example in my experience was when I was going through puberty. As you can probably tell, I wasn’t one to externalise my problems, however on one occasion I did find the support I needed. I got out of bed early, filled with testosterone (there’s a 30 x increase in testosterone for teenage boys) and decided impromptuly to accompany my mother for a walk with the dog.

Along the way I bursted out ‘I’M SO ANGRY!" Which for a quiet boy who largely kept to himself was out of character. Thankfully though, mum knew the reason and said, “It makes total sense, your body is changing, your hormones are all over the place.”

That was enough. That’s all I needed to hear. It was normal. There was nothing to fear. This too shall pass.

I wish I had a lot more of those discussions in the trial by fire encounters of life, but we know now why those crossroads took us to today, because when we were there, it was only us and our shadow.

Holding a space

After recently sharing a video on the family dinner I received a number of comments from people saying, “Yeah but dinner with a brick wall isn’t emotional regulation.” To which I laughed, and naturally see the truth.

Once that forum is provided, we need a level of relationship with that forum to make it a positive rather than a negative interaction. So what does that look like?

Comparing the behaviour and outcomes of high income to low income households, has in the past been a viable area of study. In fact one fascinating example was the 30 million word gap discovered in 1995.

That is, children from less well of households were exposed to 30 million less words in the first 3 years of their life. It was thought this might be one of the ‘caught red handed’ factors that led to poorer academic outcomes.

So do we just leave the radio on?

Well no, thankfully since then MIT scientists were able to fully close this gap, irrespective of income. How? Conversational turns. How frequently the microphone was passed between speakers. Instead of a child being spoken to, they are spoken with, which promotes their own inquiry (sounds a lot like our self-supported inquiry we talk about with the therapy protocol right?).

These conversational turns are not just a feel good, they were found to literally change the speech production and language processing part of the brain, the Broca’s area.

This activation is also not just work, it is warm and fuzzy. Talking about oneself lights up the same dopamine area in our brain as food, sex and money.

So if we want our children to feel good, or to take some curiosity to perhaps areas in which were/are in shortfall in our own lives, it is a worthwhile journey to see whether we are participating or pandering to our conversational partners.

Again, the phrase ‘human amnesia’ runs another lap around my mind. Ptahhotep a political advisor of ancient Egypt said in the year 2363BC ( 4000+ years ago!):

"If you are a man of authority, be patient when you are listening to the words of a petitioner. Do not dismiss him until he has completely unburdened himself of what he had planned to say to you. A man who has been wronged desires to express his frustrations even more than the accomplishment of the (justice) for which he came. But concerning him who dismisses petitions, men say, ‘Why ever did he reject it?’ Not everything about which he has petitioned will be done, but a sympathetic hearing is a means of calming the heart"

Just like when a friend comes to us with a problem and we try to serve up a solution, sometimes it is just the ear they are after, the emotional externalisation that is enough to calm the heart. Were you offered such as space in your childhood and adolescent years, could you speak to exhaustion?

Lead by example

Lastly we acknoweldge our primative bias of monkey see, monkey do.

In the fishbowl of your experience, what were you swimming around in? Permeable to inheriting a faulty script observed by you at fractal moments of evaluation.

Some questions we can ask ourselves are:

Did you ever see conflict without the threat of disconnect?

I’m a recovering people pleaser, there was a significant saturation level of people pleasing incentives placed along my way. When I saw conflict, it was never resolved in a diplomatic way. There was never a meeting in the middle. There was often a disconnect sometimes for days at a time.

As a child you then associate the idea of presenting your thoughts and feelings as an obstacle to secure connection. “If I say this, they will think/feel that, therefore it is best to avoid.”

The alternative is a discussion of ideas that provides an opportunity for deeper connection through emotional investment and understanding. Which did you experience?

Did you ever see down-regulation without emotional contagion?

When confronted with the trials and tribulations of life, did you see those met with a level of containment? Or was there a bubbling up of emotion and spillover onto any passerby?

I talk about this as the waterfall effect between a child and a parent.

If at 3:30pm every afternoon on the ride home from school, a child sits in the back seat and weathers the storm of mum’s otherwise unvented concerns that are more appropriately directed towards healthy personal release, release amongst friends, release towards a partner - a child learns that their ‘value-add’ is to regulate.

They start to build an understanding that the most primative form of love that exists, between a mother and a child, is one in which we regulate her emotional experience, which then sees us take that same playbook out into the world with our other inner circle relationships such as friends, partners and even bosses.

And then we wonder why we burnout?

Did you see internal exploration or external blame and victimisation?

When life got prickly, when bad things happened, when frustrations arose - did you see an exploration or external blame?

If I was provided a PlayStation 2 console and controller, I could put in the cheatcode for Tony Hawk Pro Skater game still today by muscle memory. Unfortunately there are no such codes for life. We learn the rules on the go.

But if instead of working on our resilience, instead of asking what is behind that trigger, instead of making lunges towards not being complicit in the circumstances we do not desire - we try to change or simply blame others, we thus sign up for a destiny of uncertainty and cyclical repeat.

That ensures that our emotional sovereignty is exported to the world of constant change, and every morning when we wake up we will be fearful of what script the universe has in store for us today.

The opposite of that is self reference, self exploration and building the castle walls to the village of our little petri dish of experience. And valuing that for the highly unlikely chance that it was to come into existence.

Campfire compassion

When I repeat over and over again, to ‘sit naked in the truth of our existence’ sometimes I receive messages that ask me to sit in my truth of my coping mechanism to the exclusion of my environment. Maybe you hear that to?

People are very confident in exposing the ideals of radical responsibility when we say that we have a problem with alcohol, but are less so forthcoming when we say that we self soothe because our method of emotional regulation was inherited/influenced by their actions. This often pops up when people see themselves in the opposite side of the equation of these newsletters.

It is useful then for us all to take a ride with the alien in the helicopter, observing the human ants running around across lifetimes. Do we agree:

• We want better health outcomes?

• We want to explore what it takes to gain those better outcomes?

• We want to share the results of those tools to better outcomes with those we love?

Then we have to commit to being ok with times being the villain. There are plenty of times in my life, I played that role too. That’s the naked truth.

Knowing that, the compassion we offer ourselves, we must also offer to those who came before, and those who came before them too.

Speaking to my grandparents about the difficulty of their upbringing, and the difficulty of their grandparents upbringing starts to show you that it was never a judgment on your self-worth. You were not being intentionally left behind, but yes those needs are non-negotiable and it would work in your favour to address them today.

There are contextual factors:

• concentrated caregiving - smaller family units

• dual income households - mum and dad both working to provide food, clothing and shelter

• accessibility of information - therapy is expensive

These factors when looked at objectively, paint a picture where probabilities may bring you to where you are without malicious intent of caregivers. That doesn’t void you of the necessity for grieving what was not supplied (either maternally or paternally .- “the father gap” is a forthcoming newsletter naturally).

We have to start to work towards holding, the at times paradox, in our heart that, what has happened, happened because it was all that could happen. But what will happen, is now up to us, we are informed, there are certainly low hanging fruit available, and we can be the ones that break the cycle once and for all.

To your healing 💙,

Jas

www.instagram.com/jasonfield